Lan Lan

This was the first thing I saw this morning and it is so adorable I just wanted to get back into bed and cry.

 

This is Lan Lan and her newborn. I cannot deal with how much pathos these animals have.

Would you like conservative dogma with that?

There’s nothing really new in the idea that in their respective shifts to the right, Australia’s two political parties are becoming harder and harder to tell apart. But this week’s outburt of “mateship”/”Australian values” hysteria adds a nice slant of surrealism to that whole debate. Both Howard and Beazley published opinion pieces in the Sydney Morning Herald on Thursday, both discussing mateship and Australian values and what prospective migrants should or should not be expected to sign on to. It’s almost hard to work out that they’re even disagreeing with each other. Don’t believe me? Try and identify the author of each of these lines from the Herald pieces:

1: mateship is uniquely Australian.

2: [mateship] is the great equaliser in Australian society.

3: Australian values belong to all Australians.

4: manipulate values for what he perceives as political gain

5: we value our prosperity, our tolerance and our compassion.

6: mateship is treating people equally, regardless of race, gender, creed or religion.

7: we believe in equality, irrespective of race, religion, gender or national origin.

8: we should never shy away from reaffirming what makes us uniquely Australian

9: we are … ever ready to provide help wherever it is needed.

10: mateship is extending a helping hand when another person is down on their luck.

11: we have always sought to integrate our new immigrants into the mainstream of Australian life.

12: true national leadership demands that Australian values are reinforced.

13: our commitment to shared values is our social cement.

Spooky, n’est-ce pas?

And don’t even get me started on this. Just when you think the level of Australian public discourse and debate couldn’t get any more stupid:

The Prime Minister, John Howard, said yesterday a discussion paper on the new citizenship test, to be released tomorrow with an accompanying advertising campaign, would propose quizzing aspiring citizens’ language skills as well as their grasp of Australia’s history, culture and values. Asked if the history component would include questions on cricket, Mr Howard was prepared to consider it. “You never know. I think to understand the history of this country I think you might have to do that,” he said.

I hate this fucking country.

The declining years of Robin Hood

Now, we all know there is a rather large section of society for whom the digital age in general, and internet access specifically, is a dangerous thing. But what the hell is this?

Seriously. I know he spent a lot of time in the forest in the company of some fairly weird merry men, but Robin Hood obviously went to town on those funny plants if this is how he’s ended up. An old age pension and a deranged imagination can be a dangerous combination.

I don’t even know where to start. The vinyl boots could (at a very long stretch) be hot, but the matching gloves are just disturbing. Not to mention the hat. Not to mention WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THAT CODPIECE? Someone should inform the Grapefruit Protection Society IMMEDIATELY. And I love the matching vinyl jockstrap and strapping. It’s like he’s taken inspiration from Charlize Theron.

Voluntary euthanasia where are you?

Simulacra ate my will to live

Just when you think the runaway freight train that is American liberal democracy (sic) couldn’t possibly reach dizzy new heights of surrealism, it suddenly turns out that it can. Yes, that’s right, some genius has come up with the idea that what the families of Marines serving tours of duty in Iraq and Afghanistan need most isn’t a promise to bring the troops home, but LIFESIZE CARDBOARD CUTOUTS of their absent loved ones.

John Goheen of the National Guard Association says “It’s a novel approach”.

It sure is John. Althought I’m somewhat disturbed by the fact that the prints only depict family members from the waist up. What kind of horrible portents of doom are these things going to turn out to be when the families’ loved ones have their legs blown off in yet another failed encounter with the Iraqi insurgency? Perhaps the National Guard Association were just trying to save on laminating costs and figured if they lopped the torso off at the waist they wouldn’t have to worry about all those desparate housewives/teenage girlfriends trying to get it on with their posters and complaining that they weren’t wipe clean afterwards.

My favourite comment though, is from one lady, Mrs. Kay Judkins, whose husband, Jim, is a minesweeper mechanic in Afghanistan: “I prop him up in a chair, or sometimes put him on the couch and cover him up with a blanket, The cat will curl up on the blanket, and it looks kind of weird. I’ve tricked several people by that. They think he’s home again.”

What kind of FUCKED UP PSYCHOTROPIC DRUGS is that woman on? And how blind are her friends? Surely they can’t fail to notice the fact the Jimmy appears incredibly emaciated after his tour of duty? Does she blame his inability to talk or MOVE A SIGNLE FACIAL MUSCLE on post-traumatic stress disorder?

Not content with using her cardboard husband as a cat blanket, Mrs Judkins has to up the stakes a bit by declaring “He goes everywhere with me. Every day he comes to work with me.” I bet he’s a real riot in the dentist’s office where she works. Imagine the hilarity when all of those patients wander out of the surgery room high on nitrous oxide and wet themselves laughing.

In fact, not only does her cardboard husband provide her with emotional support, he’s helped her channel her war angst into some much needed consumer activity. “I just bought a new table, and he sits at the head of the table.” You can just see her dragging her half a cardboard torso around Ikea asking it which birch veneer table it thinks would go well the kitchen curtains.

When all is said and done though, this is clearly the future of Armed Services relations. Perhaps someone should give Cindy Sheehan a lifesize cardboard of version of her son and she might stop all that pesky grassroots organising and candlelight vigils outside the President’s Ranch. Or perhaps Little Johnny could pass one on to Terry Hicks – I’m sure it’s the least he could do considering his inability to ensure all Australians access to the rule of law.

Hello Saferide

Hello Saferide is the name of a band. Hello Saferide is Annika Norlin, Swedish singer‑songwriter extraordinaire (there seem to be plenty of them going around this year) and a number of friends playing music. I love Hello Saferide – Annika’s lyrics are funny without being trite, but have a fantastic undercurrent of melancholy. She’d be great fun down the pub; happily matching you beer for beer and being carried along on a ride of merry making and frivolity, declaring her teenage crush in “Highschool Stalker”, or shouting out her ode to freedom in the face of contemporary conservatism “You’ve been walking to your bedside table, in the top draw was a knife… San Francisco – don’t you know you’ll never wanna turn back!”

And then when that boozy depressive depressive mood kicked in at 4am she’d pull out her guitar and cello* and strum out Valentine’s Day: “Got my bags packed and I’m taking the dog, I’m going too fast on the highway… Roses are red and violets are blue and sugar is sweet and I’m leaving you”. Her debut album “Introducing Hello Saferide” is barely half an hour long but packs in a ton of emotional sentiment, all carried off with a charming sense of humour that never lets it get too heavy. Melancholy and optimism all rolled into one.

[*No, I don't know how she manages to simultaneously play the guitar and cello and sing while drunk. Perhaps she is some kind of Nordic supermusician.]

Download [mp3] Hello Saferide – Highschool Stalker

Download [mp3] Hello Saferide – San Francisco

Download [mp3] Hello Saferide – Valentine’s Day

Download [mp3] Hello Saferide – The Quiz